A Gentle Reset: Rethinking Motivation for Kids with ADHD (and for Ourselves)

Jess Ellsworth
Jan 9
4 min read

The start of a new year often brings a mix of hope and heaviness—especially for families raising children with ADHD or learning differences. Many families entered this year feeling depleted, running on empty, and quietly wondering, How do we do this differently?

Here at WeThrive Learning, we want to offer you something gentler than resolutions or rigid plans. We want to offer a reset—one rooted in curiosity, compassion, and a deeper understanding of how motivation actually works for neurodivergent kids.

Because if you’ve ever found yourself asking:

Why won’t my child just do their homework?
Why does everything turn into a battle?
Am I enabling them by helping too much?

This post is for you 💛

Before We Talk About Motivation, Let’s Talk About Depletion

Before we even get into kids and motivation, it’s important to pause and check in with you.

Many parents come out of the holidays completely depleted—emotionally, physically, mentally. When your body finally slows down, it’s not uncommon to get sick or crash hard. That’s not weakness; it’s your nervous system waving a white flag.

If this resonates, take it as an invitation to:

Listen to your body
Build in restorative moments (even tiny ones)
Release the pressure to “start strong”

Because supporting your child requires energy—and you deserve support, too.

The Motivation Myth: “They’re Just Being Lazy”

One of the most painful myths parents carry is the idea that their child could do the task… they just won’t.

Here’s the truth we want you to hold onto:

It’s not laziness. It’s information.

When a child avoids schoolwork, chores, or responsibilities, something deeper is happening beneath the surface.

Instead of asking, “Why won’t they?”Try asking, “What’s making this hard right now?”

That shift—from judgment to curiosity—is everything.

What Motivation Really Is (and Isn’t)

Motivation isn’t something you can force, bribe, or threaten into existence.

In fact, motivation is a product of three things:

Interest – Do I care about this?
Confidence – Do I believe I can do this?
Perceived relevance – Does this matter to me right now?

We are always motivated—just not always in the ways adults want us to be. Your child may be deeply motivated to play, rest, avoid discomfort, or seek connection.

As Dr. Ross Greene famously reminds us:

“Kids do well when they can.”

If your child is struggling to start or finish a task, it’s not defiance—it’s a sign of a lagging skill or emotional overwhelm.

Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic Motivation: Why Stickers Don’t Last

Many families lean on rewards—stickers, money, privileges—to get through hard moments. And sometimes, those tools help in the short term.

But here’s the catch:

Extrinsic motivation (rewards) teaches kids to work for the reward
Intrinsic motivation builds a desire to work because it feels meaningful

When kids rely on rewards, motivation disappears the moment the reward loses its shine.

Long-term growth comes when children:

See value in the task
Feel capable of doing it
Experience satisfaction from completion

That’s where lasting change lives.

Why Motivation Is Especially Hard for Kids with ADHD

Kids with ADHD aren’t unmotivated—they’re neurologically wired differently.

Some common challenges include:

1. Future Thinking Is Hard

Motivation often depends on imagining how you’ll feel after the task is done. For many kids with ADHD, that future feeling feels abstract or unreachable.

2. Dopamine Works Differently

Routine tasks (homework, chores, brushing teeth) don’t spark dopamine. Novelty, interest, and connection do.

This is why:

Boring tasks feel painfully boring
Time stretches endlessly
Initiation feels impossible

Again—this isn’t character. It’s chemistry.

What Actually Happens During Homework & Chore Battles

Let’s name what usually unfolds:

You’re stressed and short on time
You remind… then nag… then push
Your child shuts down or resists
Everyone feels frustrated and disconnected

The harder you push, the less control your child feels.

And unintentionally, the message becomes:

“You can’t do this unless I manage it for you.”

Over time, this can lead to:

Learned helplessness
Increased anxiety
Resentment on both sides

There is another way 💛

Shift from Control to Collaboration

Instead of reminding, prompting, or persuading—try collaborating.

Try This:

“What’s your plan for starting this?”
“What feels hardest about this right now?”
“Is there a way I can support without taking over?”

This approach:

Builds autonomy
Encourages problem-solving
Strengthens trust and connection

And most importantly—it helps kids build the skills they’re missing.

Use a Task Analysis (Your Secret Weapon)

When motivation is low, zoom in.

Ask:

Is the task confusing?
Is it overwhelming?
Is there a skill gap (executive function, learning difference)?

Break the task into bite-sized steps—we love calling these “Kit-Kat pieces.”

Instead of:

“Go do your homework.”

Try:

“Start with the first three math problems.”
“Open the document and write one sentence.”

Small wins build confidence. Confidence fuels motivation.

Motivation Boosters That Actually Work

Here are a few ADHD-friendly strategies that support intrinsic motivation:

✅ Offer Choice

“Math or English first?”Choice builds autonomy and buy-in.

✅ Pair Boring Tasks with Interest

Music, movement, connection, or working near someone else can boost dopamine.

✅ Build in Completion Feelings

Help your child name how they feel after finishing:

“Relieved”
“Proud”
“Calm”

This strengthens future motivation.

A Final Reframe to Carry With You

Please write this down if you need to: