Why Kids Lie—And How We Can Encourage Honesty
- Jess Ellsworth
- Mar 14
- 3 min read
As parents, it’s natural to feel frustrated or even betrayed when our kids lie. But lying is actually a common part of child and adolescent development. Studies show that 75% of teens lie up to three times per day, and 60% of younger children may tell as many as five lies a day. Rather than reacting with anger or harsh punishment, understanding why kids lie can help us respond in ways that foster honesty and trust.
Let’s explore the common reasons kids lie and how we can encourage them to tell the truth.
Why Kids Lie: It’s About Development, Not Deception
Children and teens don’t always lie with malicious intent. Often, their developing brains, emotions, and social pressures play a major role.
Impulse Control Isn’t Fully Developed
Young brains are still learning self-regulation. Sometimes, a lie comes out before a child even realizes what they’ve said. They might also intend to complete a task (like homework or chores) but get distracted and impulsively say they’ve done it when they actually haven’t.
Wishful Thinking & Shame
Kids often wish they had done something differently and lie to avoid disappointment or shame. For example, a child who forgets their homework might lie because they wish they had remembered, or they fear your reaction.
Fear of Harsh Consequences
In households where punishment is the primary consequence for mistakes, kids are more likely to lie as a way to avoid severe discipline. When kids feel safe admitting mistakes, they are less likely to lie in the first place.
Testing Boundaries & Asserting Independence
Teens, in particular, may lie as a way of gaining more autonomy. They want to explore their limits and see how much control they have over their own decisions.
How Parents Accidentally Invite Lies
Without realizing it, parents sometimes set kids up to lie in a couple of ways.
Asking Questions We Already Know the Answer To. If you can see the trash is still in the kitchen, asking, “Did you take the trash out?” invites a lie. Instead, address the real issue: “I noticed the trash hasn’t been taken out. Please do it now.”
Not Recognizing Honest Intentions. Sometimes, kids tell you they’ve done something because they planned to do it in the next few minutes. Their working memory and distractibility (especially for kids with ADHD) can get in the way, making it easy for them to forget.
Encouraging Honesty at Home
We can’t eliminate lying completely, but we can create an environment where kids feel safe telling the truth by doing a few things.
Create a Safe Space for Truth-Telling. Kids are more likely to be honest when they know they won’t be met with shame or harsh punishment. Instead of reacting with anger, ask, “What made you feel like you had to lie?” This opens up a problem-solving conversation rather than a power struggle.
Praise Honesty Through Positive Reinforcement. Acknowledge and praise moments of honesty, especially when telling the truth is difficult. Research shows that positive reinforcement increases the likelihood of future truth-telling.
Model Honesty. Kids learn by example. If you make a mistake, own up to it and apologize. Showing that honesty is valued in your actions helps kids understand why it’s important in their own.
Address Underlying Issues
If lying becomes frequent and problematic, consider if there are deeper issues at play. Anxiety, ADHD, social difficulties, or fear of failure can all contribute. Seeking professional support can help address these challenges. Kids lie for a variety of reasons, but by responding with empathy and understanding, we can encourage honesty and strengthen our relationships with them. When children feel safe being truthful, they develop confidence, trust, and stronger communication skills—qualities that will benefit them well into adulthood.
Want to learn more about supporting your child’s emotional and social development? We’re here to help. Reach out to us at WeThrive Learning https://www.wethrivelearning.com/!
