Happy New Year: A Fresh Start for Families

Happy New Year, friends! 💛 As we step into a new season, many parents I talk to are craving a reset—not just for themselves, but for how things feel at home. Less power struggles. Less exhaustion. More connection. More ease.

If you’re anything like the families we support at WeThrive Learning, you might be asking yourself:

Why do I feel like I’m constantly negotiating with my child? Why do stickers, charts, and rewards stop working so quickly? What am I supposed to do instead?

Today, I want to gently unpack why stickers, prizes, and bribes don’t work in the long term—especially for kids with ADHD—and what truly helps build real motivation, confidence, and follow-through.

This conversation isn’t about taking tools away from you. It’s about giving you better ones—tools that align with how your child’s brain actually works.

Understanding the Appeal of Rewards

Let’s start with this truth: Parents use rewards because they care deeply. When your child is struggling—whether it’s getting dressed, doing homework, or regulating emotions—it’s completely natural to reach for something that promises quick relief.

Stickers. Charts. Extra screen time. Money. Prizes.

These strategies do work in the short term, especially when everyone is depleted and desperate for things to feel easier. For kids with ADHD, that quick “dopamine hit” can feel like the only way to get things moving.

So if rewards have worked for a while in your home, that’s normal. The problem isn’t that you tried them. The problem is what happens over time.

The Hidden Cost of Rewards

Here’s what we know—both from neuroscience and years of working with neurodivergent learners:

Extrinsic rewards only lead to short-term compliance, not long-term growth.

They don’t teach:

• Why a task matters

• How to tolerate discomfort

• How to persist when things are hard

• How to feel proud from the inside out

  
  

Instead, they unintentionally send the message:

“Do this because someone else wants you to—not because you want to.”

Over time, kids often:

• Lose interest

• Push back harder

• Require bigger rewards to stay engaged

• Feel controlled rather than capable

  
  

And parents are left thinking, Now what?

A Real-Life Example Many Families Recognize

I’ve seen this dynamic play out in families again and again—including my own growing up. A child is encouraged to join an activity. A reward is offered. It works… until it doesn’t.

Eventually, even the “big prize” stops motivating them. Not because the child is ungrateful or oppositional—but because external rewards don’t create ownership. When motivation comes only from the outside, it never truly sticks.

ADHD, Dopamine, and Why Rewards Lose Their Power Fast

Kids with ADHD aren’t lacking motivation. They’re lacking consistent access to dopamine—the brain chemical that helps us initiate, sustain, and complete tasks.

That’s why:

• Novelty feels exciting

• Immediate feedback is powerful

• Long-term rewards feel abstract and meaningless

  
  

Stickers, charts, and praise quickly lose their novelty. The brain habituates. The dopamine hit fades. Suddenly, the reward that “worked last month” does absolutely nothing. This isn’t defiance. It’s neurology.

What Actually Builds Motivation: Self-Determination Theory

Instead of focusing on rewards, let’s talk about what truly fuels motivation. According to Self-Determination Theory, humans are motivated when three core needs are met:

1. Autonomy

“I have a say.”

Kids need to feel they have some control—even small choices—over what they’re doing.

2. Competence

“I can do this.”

If a task feels overwhelming or confusing, motivation shuts down.

3. Connection

“This matters to me and the people I care about.”

Kids are far more willing to engage when they feel emotionally connected—not pressured. When rewards dominate, these three needs quietly disappear.

Why Rewards Can Backfire as Kids Get Older

As children grow, rewards often:

• Create resentment

• Lead to constant negotiation

• Undermine internal confidence

• Increase power struggles

  
  

I see this often with:

• Sports

• Music lessons

• Academic expectations

  
  

What started as “encouragement” slowly turns into tension—and sometimes complete withdrawal. The goal was participation. But the outcome is resistance.

So… What Does Work Instead?

Let’s talk about practical, doable shifts—not perfection.

1. Offer Real Choices (Autonomy)

Instead of:

“You have to do swim team.”

Try:

“Do you want to try swim or karate this session?”

The goal (being active) stays the same. The ownership changes everything.

2. Build Competence Through Scaffolding

Kids can’t feel motivated if they feel stuck. Support doesn’t mean doing it for them. It means doing it with them—until they’re ready.

For example:

• Brainstorm together

• Start the first step

• Create bullet points

• Reduce overwhelm

  
  

Once they feel capable, motivation naturally follows.

3. Connect Tasks to Real Life (Meaning)

Kids are more willing when they understand why something matters. Not through lectures—but through calm, predictable conversations. Natural consequences (not punishments) help build understanding:

• Contributing to the household

• Following through on commitments

• Understanding impact

  
  

This builds responsibility without fear.

4. Focus on Connection Before Correction

When kids resist, ask:

“What’s underneath this?”

Behavior is communication. When the connection is strong:

• Kids are more receptive

• Feedback lands softer

• Resistance decreases

  
  

No reward system can compete with a secure relationship.

5. Praise Without Turning Praise Into a Reward

This is a big one. Instead of:

• “Good job!”

• Clapping for outcomes

  
  

Try specific, reflective language:

• “That was hard, and you stuck with it.”

• “You must feel proud of yourself.”

• “You took a risk there.”

  
  

This helps your child internalize success—not wait for external approval.

If You’ve Been Using Rewards — It’s Not Too Late

Change doesn’t require guilt. You can say:

“We’re going to try something new because we want this to feel better for everyone.”

You can:

• Gradually reduce rewards

• Increase collaboration

• Offer more choices

• Focus on connection

  
  

Growth is allowed to feel uncomfortable—for parents and kids.

A Gentle Reminder as You Move Forward

Motivation doesn’t come from stickers. It comes from feeling capable, connected, and in control. Your child doesn’t need more prizes. They need:

• Support

• Trust

• Understanding

• Time

  
  

And so do you. If this shift feels hard, you’re not failing; you’re learning. And that matters.

Embracing Change Together

As we embark on this new year, let’s embrace the opportunity for growth. Change can be daunting, but it also brings hope. Together, we can foster a nurturing environment where our children thrive. Remember, it’s not just about achieving goals; it’s about the journey we take together.

Let’s support each other in this process, celebrating small victories along the way. After all, every step forward counts, no matter how small.

If you’re looking for more resources, consider exploring WeThrive Learning. Together, we can help our children not just catch up, but truly thrive academically and in life, fostering a strong growth mindset.